The art of apologizing.

The word sorry has become far too shallow for what it's worth. For many, it's become a "last resort" word to end a conflict or awkward tension that you don't know how to escape.

"I'm sorry" are the two measly words we so often squeak out, in a puff of powerlessness with no target or aim, just a weak hope to somehow end the deeply uncomfortable conversation and move on to better days.

I think our problem is that we humans are too afraid of pain. We haven't the tools to work through it. The second thing is, I believe that many of us just can't bear the angst that comes with knowing that WE caused pain in someone else, and so we quickly resort to self-protecting from the pain, when our friend is the one who justifiably deserves compassion in the moment. The reason that "sorry" usually misses the mark is because our words and actions around it don't support it. To support your "sorry" well, it is paramount that your words and actions communicate compassion and repentance. A willingness to become intentional and to give space and time for honest dialogue is also necessary.

I'm sure you've felt the frustration of not being able to communicate your sincere heart in a moment of attempted reconciliation. So here are some practical tools to apologize well, and even deepen the trust between two people after trust has been broken:

🗝A lot of what I am about to share was taught to us at a marriage course by Steve and Lorraine Box, if you want further exploration.

1) Don't be so quick to apologize, but rather, invest time to humbly seek to understand how you made your friend feel.

When you do this, you are saying: "I really care about you and I want to fully own my apology when I give it. So can you please help me understand how it felt when I said..." Now there are rules here: Let them honestly share how it felt and do not defend yourself in this moment. Your goal is to allow them to express their heart and feel safe and seen and cared for. By defending yourself at this point, you are opening an argument of right and wrong, when the focus here is not legal strife, but love and connection.You also invalidate your friend's emotional experience when you self-defend. This is a powerful moment where you can choose to drop pride and embrace deep humility.

2) Reflect back to your friend what you have understood.

"Sorry" is more believable when you show that you understand what you are apologizing for. When we communicate with others, we a virtually sending messages to a receiver. We can control what message we send, but we cannot control how it is received. Do not be too quick to assume that everyone understands you clearly, and do not dare to assume that you fully comprehend what your friend is saying when it comes to matters of the heart.

Reflecting can look like this: "So, if I understand right, you felt hurt when I made that joke about you because it felt like I had no value for you, which caused you to feel anxious because a trust between us was broken?" Then your friend can respond by correcting what you maybe misunderstood or affirm that you have understood her well.

3) Sharing how it makes you feel to know that your actions or words caused this grief.

By doing this, you can allow your friend to look int the sincerity of your care for them. This is not a moment to say "woe is me, I am a worm and an appalling human being!"In fact, there is never a moment to say something like this about yourself. Self-punishment never brings justice, only Jesus on the cross does. And because of that, you are never a worm. You are his chosen delight, the righteousness of God and a co-heir with Christ. It's much easier and I would even say cowardice to condemn yourself. It takes a woman of courage and character to get vulnerable and actually share how she feels about the pain she caused. Sharing can look like this: "Betty, now that I understand how my words affected you, I feel really sad that I did that and I regret every word I said. Thank you for sharing how it made you feel. I am really sorry, that is not the kind of friend I want to be, will you forgive me?"

4) Forgiveness

The art of humbly asking for it, and the art of graciously giving it. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools we can ever use. One of my favorite preachers says that "true forgiveness restores the standard." And when you forgive, it's actually good to define what exactly you are forgiving the friend for. Now this is not to squeeze lemon juice on an open wound, but to lovingly communicate that you are releasing them from the judgement you could have held onto toward them.

This can look can look like "I forgive you for making me feel unsafe, and for causing me to feel undervalued." My husband and I communicate this way every time we reconcile, and it is really powerful to actually take ownership of the forgiveness you are extending.

5) Commitment

This is where we can make a statement about what we are committing to in the future. Don't over-promise and try to be the hero. But simply stating something like "from now on, I'll make efforts to be more attentive to the jokes I make..." etc. Now there is one important thing I want to say here: While these tools work amazingly for marriages and meaningful relationships, I fear that they could get out of balance if we don't move from a position of understanding the gospel, and living from God's love rather than for love from others and God. So here are some important reminders to hold on to:

If you are the "victim" in the situation: your friend doesn't actually owe you anything. And you don't need them to apologize in order to experience freedom or justice. Remember, true justice has already been given and the best way to live is alive in Christ and dead to self, which means you live free from yourself, and are more than able to forgive because Jesus first forgave you. And you're not a doormat. Doormats have no value. You are worth the blood of Jesus. Dead to self doesn't mean ignoring pain when it comes. That's just being fake. Dead to self means that you forsake being self-sufficient and live completely dependent and surrendered to the power of God for every area of your life. The free life Jesus purchased for you becomes a reality through relationship with Him.

Apologizing well is truly humbling, but is necessary to re-build trust and move forward.

I remember a time when my husband and I were leading a mission trip with our students. There was much miscommunication between us and those who accommodated us, which led to the whole team needing to pay way over what we had all budgeted for. There was nothing we could do to right this wrong, and we were well aware that we, as leaders were completely responsible for the mess. So we allowed all of our students to share exactly how they felt about it in a group with us, because we honestly valued their hearts and thoughts in the situation. We wanted them to know that what they shared was completely valid, and the fact that they felt a broken trust with us was very understandable.

We then apologized wholeheartedly. We owned our mess and we let the students have a voice. It wasn't necessarily the most comfortable situation to be in, but when was the human condition ever comfortable? The great news is that we are all on a victorious discovery journey of how Holy and Christlike we actually are as born again believers. As we continue to grow into the revelation and mature in our character. Along the journey, it's true that we may be hurt or hurt others, but take it as a powerful opportunity to grow into Christlike humility, character and, most importantly, love.

Therefore, our aim in life should not be to avoid or ignore pain, but to let love win in yet another area of the heart.

There is no fear in love because someone bigger than us was able to carry all the pain in existence for us in His love.

Forgiveness and reconciliation enforces the expansion of the kingdom of God in our world.

"I can carry you because I have been carried by I am. I can hold you because I have been held by I am."