Honest reflections for single Gen X and Y ladies

So you're in your late 20s or older and being single is painful, scary and maybe even a topic that you try to avoid, just to protect your heart? This article is for you my dear beautiful sister. I know the fear of wondering if you will ever actually meet the man of your dreams. I know the sense of loneliness when it feels like everyone around you is getting married and starting families while you're still waiting.

This isn't supposed to be a checklist to help you "manipulate your way into marriage", but it's simply a list of tips and thoughts for reflection as you continue in your journey. We all have blind spots, and while you're in one season and yours truly is in another, I feel I can add some value to your life in this area. So without any further ado, let's get into it.

1) Learn that your life right now, as a single woman, matters. It can be easy to fall into the belief that "life will start when I meet him", but this mindset is robbing you from two things:

- You're not fully living your own life, so you may not even know what kind of potential you have, what your hobbies are, what your dreams are. We cannot accept limitation simply because one piece of the puzzle is missing. Maybe your dream is to travel when you meet someone, and you hold back from it because he hasn't come yet. Don't suffocate your dreams or your heart - go and travel for YOU. Live life, go on adventures. Dare to live and thrive right now. You have a life worth living, and no one else can give it to you - not even your future husband.

- This mindset keeps you from being connected to yourself, which is quite a tragedy if you think about it, because YOU are yourself, and she is worth being connected to, listened to, cared for and loved. By living disconnected, you are essentially saying that you're not worth being connected to. You're devaluing yourself, and I highly encourage women not to date until they discover their worth. So start a journey with God in discovering who you are and seeing the incredible treasure that you are. Practical things you could do:

- Take yourself out on a coffee date with your journal

- Write 50 dreams in there

- Do something fun alone, like hiking, an hour at the beach, shopping etc.

(It might be good to add here that you become increasingly attractive when you have vision for your life and know who you are - so this could even help with finding a man)

2) Maturity

I mentioned this in an instagram post (The first post in 2022). Some ladies continue to use the same “tactics” for winning over the affections of a man as they may have used as teenagers. Be it Make-up, lifestyle, way of having conversations with the opposite sex, or just overall attitude ... these women continue to try and use old methods in hopes to attain a new result.

But you are not a teenager, you are a woman. I fear that so many of us are so detached from who we are today as matured women. I see women scrambling in an attempt to keep their fading youth, and miss out on the graces of maturity of womanhood that could be theirs. Women seem to want to be "relevant" to the current youth demographic or the youth of their own day, and this is sabotaging potential future relationships with good, mature men.

I understand that it can be tempting to feel that your only chances of finding a man happen when you are “young”, but I want to encourage you (if I am talking to you) to let go of that facade and allow yourself to move on from the “teen spirit”. There is so much more to you today than there ever was back then.

Your ideal catch would be a solid, grounded, kind, strong man. Such a man (and they do exist - even more so in adulthood after some life has shaped their character) will not be on "the hunt" for a teenager, but a radiant, mature queen that he can run with and co-lead a family with.

Maybe you’re afraid of letting go of your younger self, but in many ways, I think this is hurting you, and holding you back from truly thriving. There is nothing wrong with age. Your years are new diamonds in your crown.

Practical tips:

- Do you hang out with mostly younger people or people your age in the same boat as you? Do you know that we become like the people we spend most time with? That's why it is important to choose your company carefully. I would recommend that you learn how to get comfortable spending time with married couples, even if you are the third wheel. Learn how to be a friend to couples and young families, and it will prepare you for a future marriage. You will pick up on the way they see things differently, place value in different areas etc. This will mature you in areas that will also be attractive to a man who is also ready to meet a wife.

I know that it feels much more safer or comfortable to hang out with single people because you "get each other"but I want to encourage you to step out of the boat and learn to get really comfortable spending time with young families and married couples.

3) Self-respect

This is not to say “stop caring for yourself and let yourself become old". You want your outer representation to reflect a reality within you and that is this: That you respect yourself, and live with a standard of excellence because you know that you are worth it. Perhaps you have used makeup to "make yourself" look more appealing, but I want to challenge that. Are you using makeup to make up for what you feel you lack? Because that trick won't last forever. I myself have noticed that as I age and have some gentle fine lines gracing my eyes and forehead, that I cannot wear makeup the way I used to. It only EMPHASISES the lines, making me look OLDER. I still use makeup, but much differently to when I was younger. One thing that I do now more than before is that I take time to investigate different products to bless my skin. I pay attention to hydration, and I use certain products that promote longevity and glow in my skin. I also learnt how to embrace my natural look a little more. Instead of straightening my hair every day (which led to some seriously damaged hair), I cut off my dry ends and took a whole year off from the straightener. My hair came alive!

(Now I have had a keratin hair treatment which smooths it out for a few months, so I definitely don't need that old straightener anymore!)

Other ways to care for yourself is to exercise, eat healthily, drink enough water, get enough sleep. Don't over-commit and become stressed and over-worked. Protect your rest and you inner circle of friends.

Respect yourself and your time.

4) Pursue wholeness This is pivotal. Not just for you now, but for the quality of your life in the future, including your future marriage. Learn your triggers and pursue inner healing. Face old wounds and possible trauma. Go hard after wholeness and renewing your mind. I recommend you do this with Christians, because the only way to be properly healed is when you can let Jesus into those places. Anyone can help you expose the pain, but a wise christian counselor or pastor will help you to meet Jesus in those places.

Counseling is not a dirty word by the way. Everyone needs it. Only some pursue it. So if you struggle with shame about the idea of speaking with someone, just realize that you're on the greener side of the fence by going. I know of a couple who, from the moment they married, pursued a marriage counselor. They had no problems within their marriage, but they recognized the value in accountability and help.

5) Is it time to rethink your wardrobe?

Along with what I was talking about with self respect and perhaps even maturity, do you think that your clothes represent that you respect yourself? Are you wearing tacky clothing that is marketed to teenagers, or are you clothing yourself in a way that truly represents you? It's ok to change you style, no one is holding you down to an expectation. Feel free to experiment and explore what your unique style is. I personally like to buy less things, but higher quality things. So it has taken me a looong time to change my wardrobe, but I have been so intentional at selecting high quality fabrics and timeless pieces that are easy to pair with other things, and yet still look polished. You are beautiful and you are allowed to dare to dress beautifully. I know many women who don't believe in themselves and so have given up in being creative with how they dress. You are beautiful and so worth dressing like royalty.

6) Come out of the tower, Rapunzel!

Some of us have been passively waiting. If you are waiting with faith, then I won't stand between you and God. But if you are waiting without any faith, then I encourage you to get out of your tower and take a stroll among the flower gardens. If that means online dating, go for it! Seriously, why not? You have nothing to lose. Just make sure you pick a Christian platform, and filter out any of the "lukewarm" ones. You want a man who BURNS for Jesus more than anything else.

Other more obvious ideas (and I'm sure you've already done this, but this is for the one who hasn't) are getting more involved in serving your church (who knows who you'll meet that way), visiting other churches, taking part in different seminars and workshops that you think would also attract the kind of man you are hoping for. e.g. a seminar on revival or a worship school etc.

I also don't think it's bad to go and travel to places where God is moving with the little potential of meeting someone there too. You decide how far you want to go to get out of your tower. Of course, listen to your heart - if it becomes too much and you lose the fun and joy of it, it's better not to put yourself in a position that could lead to disappointment. You need to be prepared to also do these things for self-enjoyment. If at the very least, you had a good time, then it was a successful time.

So why not travel? Why not live a little?

Just be wise with where you "fish".

So there are six things to reflect on. Let me know if this was helpful for you, I'm always down to connect on the Sister Talk instagram page.

xx M